


get out

by orphan_account



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Gen, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Projecting, Running Away, Suicide Attempt, but still please be careful, he is not happy, i'm sorry jisung, lapslock sorry again, this is not that graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-29 20:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20802752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: jisung does this all the time.he just needed to leave.





	get out

**Author's Note:**

> yoooo i'm sorry. this is totally me projecting. heavily. i'm not doing so hot. tw for suicide and hospitals. bye

jisung didn’t realise that it was getting bad again until minho, having appeared out of nowhere as jisung was about to go to starbucks on his break, asked him where he’d been. jisung subsequently became aware of the fact that he had not left his house in over a month for anything except work or to buy junk food in the convenience store beside his apartment block. 

in fact, jisung thought, he hadn’t even been to the studio to produce. jisung  _ always  _ went to the studio. he tried to think back and remember the last time he had interacted with a human that wasn’t his boss, a customer or the permanently annoyed girl who worked nights at the store. he thought he had met hyunjin for lunch the week before, and turned to minho. 

“i’ve been busy. i met hyunjin for lunch last tuesday though.”

minho stared at him. 

“jisung, that was  _ at least  _ three weeks ago? it’s october now. hyunjin posted on instagram afterwards...”

jisung made a mental note to check his instagram account and make sure that he wasn’t in the picture. 

“well, i’ve been doing stuff, hyung...work’s been crazy, and i’m trying to…”

jisung trailed off as minho raised an eyebrow at him and proceeded to observe the almost empty restaurant. 

“it looks really busy, sung.” 

“i’ve been working on my mixtape too!! a-and volunteering...for...the cat shelter!” 

minho looked at him again, obviously concerned.

“sung, you know i’m always here for you, right?”

here it comes, jisung thought. the lecture. 

see, this was not the first time jisung had gone M.I.A. for a period of time. once, he left seoul and went to daegu for six days, telling nobody except the man working the ticket desk at the bus station. he didn’t bring his phone or laptop, and by the time he got back his friends were frantic with worry, only having not called the police because chan wouldn’t allow them to. when jisung turned up at minho and felix’s apartment at four in the morning, he was smothered in a hug from felix, but not before listening to minho rant at him about how worried he was and _for_ _god’s sake, jisung, i thought you were fucking dead, i thought you weren’t coming back._

jisung’s mind came back to the present as he saw something waving around in front of his face. minho flailed his hand in the air, looking confused and worried. jisung blinked quickly and smiled at minho.

“hyung, i’m fine, i promise. i’ve just been really busy, and i haven’t had the time to hang out. i’ll clear a space soon.”

minho still looked worried, but jisung kept his blinding smile on and turned to head back towards the restaurant. 

“i’m sorry, hyung, my break’s over. i’ll see you soon!”

as jisung turned the corner into the alleyway where the door to the kitchen was, his smile dropped and he ran his hands through his hair. 

he felt a drop of rain hit his nose and laughed to himself. 

he had never told minho, but he hadn’t intended to come back from daegu. 

__________

in the sticky july heat, jisung was thankful for the windows on the bus. he rested his forehead on the cool glass and stared out at the trees passing him by. for the first time of many he regretted not buying an mp3 player, being bored out of his mind on the three hour long trip. the absence of music left him with too much space in his head to think. 

jisung tapped the arm of the woman sitting next to him. 

“excuse me, ma’am, but have you any idea how long we have left until we reach daegu?”

the woman smiled gently at him. “about 45 minutes, dear.” 

jisung smiled back. “thank you, ma’am.” 

he turned back to the window and closed his eyes. when he opened them again, the streets of the city greeted him and before he was properly awake they were pulling up to the bus depot. as he got off the bus, he pulled the crumpled piece of paper with the directions to a cheap hostel that he had hastily scribbled down before he left his apartment. 

at the thought of his apartment in seoul, jisung sighed. it wasn’t huge, or fancy, but he had a lot of memories there. the huge black spot on his television screen from hyunjin falling over a bowl of popcorn and knocking the entire thing over, the stain on the rug where jeongin had spilled a mug of coffee when he was studying for his music theory finals and jisung was “helping”, and the chip in his glass coffee table artfully created by woojin dropping a photo frame on it when he was helping jisung with decorating.

jisung smiled to himself as he walked. he had left the key under his welcome mat - the apartment was paid for, and he figured one of his friends could use it, or sell it. he wouldn’t be needing it for much longer. 

jisung came to a dead end and looked up at the door in front of him, wrinkling his nose. the flaking paint on the door of PIP’S HOSTEL, as it was named, did not bode well for the inside of the place. jisung shrugged and pushed the door open. he couldn’t bring himself to care. 

after paying the extra money for a single room, jisung flopped down on the bed. he turned to look at the clock on the wall. 11.37PM, it read. jisung sat up and looked around the ceiling of the room for a smoke alarm, finding nothing. he mentally cheered and pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his backpack. 

lighting it up, he thought about what must be happening back in seoul. seungmin was probably asleep. had he even noticed that jisung was gone? jisung doubted it. he doubted that any of them had, or cared for that matter. he had left letters for each of them on his kitchen table - now he kind of wished he hadn’t. he wanted to disappear without a trace, but now they’d always be burdened with a part of him.  _ stupid,  _ he thought to himself.

truthfully, jisung didn’t plan to ever see his friends again. tomorrow was his last day. he had planned it out. it was going to be fine, and jisung was going to disappear. 

they wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore.

with tomorrow came tomorrow night, and jisung swung his legs as he sat on the swing set in a dark playground, a bottle of peach soju in one hand and a cigarette in the other. he laughed to himself as he thought of how crazy he must look. a 19 year old man, sitting on a swing set drunk and drowsy, a package of sleeping pills at his feet. as jisung felt himself fall backwards, he felt bad for doing this in a kids playground. 

but it was too late for that. 

  
  


_________

when jisung woke up, he blinked fast as his eyes  adjusted to the bright lights. 

it didn’t take jisung long to realise that he was in a hospital, and he cursed to himself as he realised that he had failed. as doctors and nurses came running in to check his vitals and poke and prod at him, jisung had no regrets apart from not taking more. 

out of nowhere, a nurse walked into the room. “hello, sir. first of all, could you tell us your name? 

jisung brought his hands to his face, covering his eyes from the blinding lights. he could feel his head beginning to throb in pain. “yeah. han jisung. i’m han jisung. can i go home?” 

the nurse shook her head. “not yet, jisung. do you remember what happened?” 

jisung sighed and closed his eyes. “yeah, i remember. can i go home? please?”

“do you know what day it is?” the nurse asked. 

jisung tried to think. he left on monday morning. tuesday...happened, and now he’s in hospital. so… ”wednesday?” he answered, “just let me go home.” 

the nurse looked at jisung sympathetically. “not yet, dear. it’s friday afternoon, jisung; you didn’t wake up for two days. your vitals are fine; but because this was a suicide attempt, and a close one at that, you’re required to see the psychologist before we discharge you.”

jisung shook his head. “no. i’m not going anywhere near a psychologist here. i have my own at home,” he lied. 

another sympathetic look from the nurse. “sorry, jisung, it’s mandatory. you can come with me now and get it over with, if you’re ready.” 

jisung’s head throbbed. 

“alright. where are my clothes?” 

______________

jisung sat in the stark, white room and stared at the wall behind the man in front of him. jisung hadn’t caught the man’s name. 

“jisung, why did you do it?” the man asked him gently. jisung turned his eyes to his own hands in his lap, fiddling with the spot on his finger where his rings used to be. 

“don’t know, sir. i had a bad night. can i go?” jisung was getting more anxious by the minute. he fucking hated psychologists, with their open-ended questions and eyes that stared into your soul. 

“not yet, jisung.” everyone kept saying that. “not yet, jisung.” he just wanted to get out. out of nowhere, he thought about his friends back in seoul.  _ fuck.  _ he looked at the psychologist.

“don’t you guys have to call someone when this sort of thing happens?” jisung tried to remember who the emergency contact on his phone was. 

then jisung remembered that he didn’t have his phone. or his ID. they didn’t know who he was until he told them. 

the psychologist hummed. “well, technically we are. but you don’t have a phone, and we don’t have you in our database, so…”

jisung shook his head again. “no, it’s okay, i have my phone back at home, i didn’t bring it. i’ll tell someone later and see my own psychologist. can i please go home now?”

the psychologist sighed. “i just have to ask you these questions first.” 

jisung lied his way through the questions, and after what felt like an eternity he was standing outside the hospital, with nothing but the clothes on his back and 7,000 won in change in his pocket from paying for his room the night before. he sighed, and looked up at the now darkening sky. he’d probably make the last bus. 7,000 won wouldn't get him far, but there were rarely ticket inspectors on the buses at this hour. he could make it to seoul. 

____________

  
  


so, jisung had (illegally) made his way back to seoul, back home, and on saturday morning, at 4am, after walking from the bus station out to his apartment, he pushed open the unlocked door without a thought, only to find minho and felix asleep on the couch, with chan, seungmin, hyunjin, jeongin, chan and woojin in various positions around them on the floor. 

jisung stalled a second. this wasn’t his apartment.

chan’s head snapped up. “jisung! oh my god, jisung.” 

jisung tried to smile. “hi, chan hyung!” 

the others began to stir on the floor as chan looked at jisung confusedly. “jisung, what happened? where did you go? we were really worried, dude.”

jisung grinned again. “i went on a trip! sorry for worrying you. forgot my phone.” 

minho jumped up. “jisung, you little- i was so fucking worried, you absolute  _ prick,-”  _ he pressed a finger into jisung’s chest with every word. jisung grabbed his hand and pulled him into a hug. 

“hyungie, i’m fine. i’m sorry. i’m fine.” 

minho pulled out of jisung’s grip. he sniffled, and wiped his eyes. “now i’m crying. don’t you  _ ever _ disappear like that again, jisung. we were so worried. i thought you were dead.” 

jisung smiled and continued to hug the rest of his friends, still sleepy but glad to see him nonetheless. nobody asked why he’d shown up at minho’s at 4am.

he wished he was dead.

____________

and now he’d done it again. worried his best friends, all because jisung couldn’t function like a normal human being. 

useless.

the word played like an earworm in his head, repeating itself over and over until jisung couldn’t focus on anything else. 

jisung was so tired. 

but he’d keep going. 

he always kept fucking going. 

jisung went back into the kitchen.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> sorry jisung i love you


End file.
